


The Things You Almost Say (But Never Do)

by wingsdestiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: First Kiss, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Episode: s10e23 My Brother's Keeper, Team Free Will
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-28 00:36:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5071138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingsdestiel/pseuds/wingsdestiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>10x23 coda/alternate season 11. Team Free Will hasn't been much of a team lately, and Castiel wishes that Dean would stop avoiding everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things You Almost Say (But Never Do)

Castiel didn’t know how much longer he could bear the tension in the motel room. In fact, it was more than tension; it was more like outright hostility. Dean had once referred to the three of them as a team, but now the term seemed far from applicable.

He and Sam (the only ones who could look each other in the eye thus far) were at the kitchenette table, skimming through old books that likely did not hold any valuable information. They copied down passages, primarily to pacify Dean, and perhaps also to give themselves some semblance of hope, as if pages of notes from texts which vaguely referred to “dark forces” provided them with any means of defeating the Darkness.

Dean stood by the window, fidgeting. Every few minutes he moved the curtains aside to peer outside into the parking lot, and let out intermittent huffs and sighs.

Here was Cas, still recovering from Rowena’s attack dog spell – a situation he very narrowly escaped, and with little help from the Winchesters, no less – aiding in undoing the chaos caused by the brothers’ combined hubris and overall dysfunction, and Dean couldn’t even be bothered to help. Instead, Dean stood with his arms crossed over his chest, with the impatient expression of a king awaiting his army’s return from battle.

“Dean, would you sit down, please?” Sam finally said.

“No,” he replied without turning around.

“Cas could probably use a break,” Sam said.

“Well, you’re the one who broke the world. You pick up the slack.”

Sam stared at his brother, whose back was still turned. He looked hurt, but not surprised. “I’m going for a drive,” he announced. He got up from the table, took Dean’s keys from their spot on the nightstand, and left. 

This had not been an uncommon occurrence in the past few weeks, but it still troubled Castiel. He hated to see the brothers’ relationship so fractured, seemingly beyond repair. He was often tempted to defend Sam from Dean’s unnecessary outbursts, but he also knew that it would be best not to get involved.

Dean sighed and walked over to his bed, where he collapsed onto his back and stared at the ceiling. “Man, I miss my memory foam mattress. Are you sure Rowena has the bunker all hexed up?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“And you can’t just un-hex it?”

“Not while I’m in this condition. Besides, as Sam said, it’s safer to keep moving.”

There was a moment of loaded silence. “How’s it going over there, anyway? Anything we can use?”

“No. And it might go a bit faster if you stopped talking.”

“Okay. Jesus. Just trying to make conversation.”

Castiel considered not replying, but the frustration he had been holding in for weeks sensed an opportunity for release. “That’s interesting, because you’ve seemed to be avoiding any kind of interaction with me at all recently,” he said without looking up from his book.

Dean sat up, his eyes all defiance, all challenge. “Fuck, Cas, maybe I’m avoiding you because you’re acting like a bitch.”

“Am I?” Cas said indifferently.

“What do you want me to do, apologize? Apologize for fucking up like I always do? Look, at this point, my life is just one big apology, okay? I didn’t think I needed to tell you that I didn’t mean for things to turn out like this.”

“I know you didn’t mean – ”

“Then what’s your problem?” he demanded, raising his voice.

“Did you ever think,” Cas said, trying his best to keep his tone even, “that it might be hard for me to be around you? After what you did to me?”

Dean’s jaw clenched. “As if you haven’t beat the shit out of me before.”

“Dean, you know I was not under my own control at the time. I was brainwashed. And I apologized on several occasions.”

“Yeah, okay, so before that. When you zapped me into that alley. When you thought I was gonna say yes to Michael.”

“That was different. I was fighting to save you. To make you realize.”

“Bullshit. You were just pissed that I wasn’t going with the plan.”

“And isn’t that why you almost killed me? Because I wasn’t going along with your plan?”

Dean shook his head and smiled vindictively. “This is stupid. I don’t have to put up with this from you. Get off your high horse and admit that you’re just tired of cleaning up me and Sam’s messes, so you’re punishing us while you do it.”

“I am tired, Dean. I’m tired of being treated like some tool for you to use when you can’t do something yourself. I’m tired of waiting for you to take some responsibility for your actions. I’m tired of feeling like I left my home and gave up everything for someone who sees me as a machine that’s supposed to produce solutions for him.”

Dean broke his insolent glare and looked down, but the indignation remained clear in his expression.

“You showed me what it means to be human, Dean,” Castiel continued. “But sometimes I think you regret doing so.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“You don’t like that I have emotions. You don’t like that I care for you, because it can be inconvenient for you at times.”

Dean huffed. “Caring about people is generally inconvenient, yeah. It’s caused almost all the problems I’ve ever had.”

“The same is certainly true for me.” He paused until Dean looked at him again. When their eyes met, they both fell into one of the familiar, intense looks they so frequently used to share. “But I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

Dean, as usual, was the first to look away. “So you’re telling me you’re acting like this because I hurt your feelings?”

Castiel didn’t answer. He felt he had said all he needed to say.

“I’m sorry, okay? I thought you knew that. It wasn’t me. Not really.”

“I wanted to believe it wasn’t you. But you looked at me like you hated me. I really thought you were going to…”

“Yeah,” Dean said, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “I thought I was, too.”

“What stopped you?”

Dean shook his head. “I just… couldn’t. And I know you’re probably thinking that it’s just because you’re useful to me, or whatever. But that’s not it. Even if you weren’t useful, I could never… ” he trailed off.

Castiel looked at the floor.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Cas. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I’m sorry you thought we were just using you or something. But right now, we got bigger fish to fry.” Dean gestured at the books that were spread out across the table.

Even though the avoidance was so typical Dean, Cas still felt a rush of disappointment. He didn’t know what he’d been expecting. “I’m sorry for wasting time. I’ll get back to work.” 

Cas turned back to his notes. Dean stretched out across the bed on his back and stared at the ceiling. 

For several minutes, Cas read the same passage over and over again, not even attempting to translate it or write it down. He didn’t know how or when he had become this way. He was a soldier. A warrior. Sometimes things happened on the battlefield, he knew that. That did not excuse grudges against comrades in times of conflict. 

“Cas?”

He let out an exasperated sigh. “I thought you didn’t want to talk, Dean.”

“I’ve been a real dick, okay? I know you don’t have to do any of this shit for us. You do it because we’re family. And I know I act like I take it for granted, but… what I’m trying to say is, I don’t. I don’t take you for granted.”

“I appreciate that, Dean. Thank you.” 

To Cas’ surprise, Dean didn’t appear to be finished. “And… if you were to fall again, and, you know, stay that way – stay human, I mean – you would still be the most important person to me, besides Sammy. That wouldn’t go away. So you don’t have to worry about that.”

The mention of Sam did not go unnoticed. It was the first time in a while that Dean had acknowledged him in a way that did not involve either shouting or derisive comments. “I’m glad to hear that you still consider your brother to be so important to you, regardless of the way you’ve been interacting with him recently.”

“Well, yeah, we’re pissed at each other, but just because someone fucks up doesn’t mean you don’t love them anymore. You know that. I mean you’ve done some really shady shit, and I still – ”

Castiel tensed, and he could sense Dean doing the same on the other side of the room.

“ – and you’re still family, so. Yeah,” he finished awkwardly.

Castiel got up from his chair and walked slowly over to the bed where Dean was still lying on his back, arms tucked behind his head. Cas sat on the edge of the bed, and Dean looked like he was afraid he might smite him.

“Dean Winchester, you are infuriating, and I wish you would just say what you mean.”

“What are you talking about?” He was probably aiming for annoyed, but it came out defensive.

“I’m talking about the things you almost say but never do. The things you leave open to interpretation.” Cas leaned into Dean’s ‘personal space’ to emphasize his point.

“Yeah, I’m totally lost, man,” Dean said, but the look of panic in his eyes said otherwise.

“This is ridiculous. I am older than the earth. I should not be so concerned with the sentiments of a human. And yet I constantly wonder whether or not I am imagining the way you hesitate to define the way you feel about me. And what that could mean.”

Dean only stared.

Castiel continued. “And then I wonder if you only hesitate because you’re uncertain as to how I would react. Let me be clear. Yes, I was upset with you for how you treated me when you were under the influence of the Mark. But I was also upset because even after that, even after you pretended it never happened, and even after you asked me to help you clean up yet another mess, I still loved you. No matter what you do to me, I think, I’ll still love you. I’ve been reduced to this ridiculous human emotion, and you refuse to confirm or deny whether you feel the same, and it’s maddening, Dean.”

He expected shouting, or maybe for Dean to get up and leave him alone in the motel room, slamming the door behind him. He did not expect Dean to sit up and push himself towards him, capturing his lips in a furious kiss.

When they broke away from one another, a different kind of silence had settled over the room than the kind that they had both grown accustomed to recently. This one was not swollen with bitterness. Frustration, maybe, though Castiel thought that would likely always be a component of his relationship with Dean. And this silence held hope as well, that things could be better, that they could do something other than hurt each other.

Dean wiped his lips with the back of his hand. “Does that answer your question?” he asked, looking too smug for his own good.

Cas smiled. “I’m not sure, Dean. I think I still need some clarification.”

“What – Oh.”

“That is, of course, if you’d be willing.”

“Yeah. I think we can – I mean, just to make sure you get it,” Dean said with an uncharacteristically shy smile, and leaned forward to press their lips together again.

This couldn’t fix everything, Castiel knew, but it was a start.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the majestic deansangelicpurity on tumblr. Find me there at wingsdestiel.


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